Melissa was only 20 months older than me. She and I were so close and great friends. I will admit though, that she was a hard one to follow. In my eyes she was perfect. She could do no wrong and it really annoyed me at times. I remember being in our bedroom and I would be mad at her for something. I would throw my fit and she would patiently wait for me to get my frustrations out. As soon as I would calm down, she would look at me and say, Are you finished yet? It would make me want to scream. I just wanted her to fight back with me. She wouldn’t though. It wasn’t in her.
She use to have a little figurine in her room that said, “Smile, God loves you” and she would tell me that she loved the color yellow because it stood for happiness. I didn’t like the color yellow for many years, but yellow means something special to me now. Yellow will not only stand for happiness in my mind, it will stand for Melissa. It will remind me to always have faith, to speak a little softer, to be kind, to be gracious, and also to dance. Melissa loved to dance. A couple of Saturdays ago, my kids, my husband and I all danced our hearts out in honor of Melissa. Music will be on and I will be dancing much more often than I use to because I know that Melissa will not want me to be sad and mourn her lost, but get up and dance and celebrate how happy she is.
About 4 ½ years ago I was visiting Utah and Melissa came to stay at my mom’s for the night to spend time with me. She and I stayed up really late talking. It was just the two of us. I had moved out of Utah when I was 19. I guess I always still thought of Melissa as a teenager. It was this night of spending time with her that all of a sudden she changed in my mind. There was a lot of laughter that night, but there were also a lot of tears as we both shared some of the painful experiences we had gone through.
As I listened to her, she was no longer that teenager that I always felt jealous of and felt I could never be like, she became an adult in my eyes. She was a mom just like me. We were both just trying to make it. She was a friend, and a sister here on earth on her journey and I was on mine. She shared with me her experience of losing her babies. There were many tears shed as she shared with me her pain, yet there was always that faith. She knew that things were meant to be that way even though she didn’t like it nor fully comprehend the reason. I am so excited for her to be with them again.
Heavenly Father blessed me to be able to move back to Utah for 3 short years back in 2010. We just moved back out of Utah to Maryland in December. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to be near her those 3 years and say goodbye to her before I moved. I remember when I gave her a hug I felt deep down that I wasn’t going to see her again in this life. It surprised me I felt that way because she was doing so well. I think that she felt it too and we just held each other and cried. I wasn’t able to come out to Utah to see her before she passed, and I treasure that goodbye hug.
I will also treasure my last phone conversation with her. She had some strength in her voice and was able to talk to me for a few minutes. She told me that she was at peace and was ready to go. She was so cute. She said, “I’m just not sure how it is all going to happen. Do I just go to sleep and then wake up in a different dimension?” I told her that I didn’t know and that she had to promise me that she was going to come and visit me in my dreams and tell me how it’s done. She said she would and then we talked about my dreams and the parties we are going to have when she comes to visit me. I look forward to seeing my beautiful, sweet sister in my dreams.
On the days where I am feeling so sad and missing her so much I will let myself cry to get it all out, and then I will get up and dance and have a great day in honor of her. Thank you Melissa for always being there for me and teaching me through example to live a Christ centered life. You will be missed, but never forgotten. I love you
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